Unfortunately, it seems that the combination of no fixed address, no job, and no money are rather large warning flags to border guards. Along with having all your earthly possessions, 8 boxes of food, and a bed in your van. They don't like it.
This is where things started going downhill:
"Where is your permanent residence?"
- "Hamilton, Ontario"
"Did you own the last place you lived in?"
- "No, I rented"
"Are you paying 2 months rent right now while you travel?"
- "Pardon?" (honestly, I didn't hear exactly what he asked)
"I SAID..." (getting out and circling van), "are you PAYING 2 months RENT?" (apparently they don't like it when you say 'pardon')
- "No. I've been in BC this past year, and now i'm heading back to my parents'."
"So you don't HAVE a permanent residence!"
....oh oh....
Well, an hour later, after a lengthy interrogation by another guard, filling out several forms, and having my van searched by 2 people, Guard #2 said, "Well, to be honest, it's not looking good for you."
Oh frick.
"You have no home, no job, and no money."
Thank you, Mr.Guard, for summing up my life in such a positive light.
After hemming and hawing and more interrogating, he decided I was telling the truth, that I wasn't looking for work in the States, and that if I ran out of money I was going to call home for a loan (heads' up, mom and dad) so that I wouldn't be stuck in the good old U.S.of A. I got a stern talking to with suggestions about what to do next time I decide I might want to cross the border (eg. have a job, have a home).
Thankfully I had had the wherewithal before crossing the border to print off my Ontario Teachers' certificate for 2014, an itinerary and map of where I'm heading (possibly!) with addresses and phone numbers, and a typed list of all food in my van. Those things apparently helped - the papers were whisked away and consulted frequently by various guards. The fact that grandma is in the hospital in Ontario also apparently helped my case (?), as well as the fact that my sister is a minister in Michigan (??), that I am doing research on alternative education, and that I'm not actually qualified to teach in the States.
So now I'm in the U.S.
I only have 2 places lined up to visit, I've spent 4 hours navigating Seattle traffic for no reason, and I don't know what the heck I'm doing!!!! Yet apparently I'm meant to continue on - thank you Border Crossing USA for the go-ahead for the journey. :)